When I was about 14, my mom and dad explained to me that my dad was not my real dad. That was a huge hurt in my life. This changed me and everything I thought life was about. I didn't understand why they had lied to me my whole life. I hadn't understood why he was hitting me my entire life and treating me different than the rest of my brothers and sisters. I didn't trust anyone for many, many years after this. Instead, I turned to whatever was bad to hide the pain. I ran away from home. I was helped by many and hurt by some. By the age of 18, I still had not found my real father, and I was very angry at God. I know now that these were the times when there was only one set of footprints in the sand. Between the ages of 16 and 30, my insanity climaxed, using whatever drugs and as much alcohol as I could drink to hide myself and my pain and hurts.

I married in 1984; I was stoned and drunk for my wedding. Not the way to start a new family. In August, 1987, our first daughter, Sarah, was born. This was the best day of my life. I still was using a lot of cocaine and whatever else. I was very selfish, angry and extremely controlling (just a few of my hang-ups). During the early 80s, I made really good money, but I could not pay any of my bills or rent. We always had to move. I started cheating on my wife and was always high and/or drunk. August, 1989, our second daughter, Jessica, was born. This was the second best day of my life. In December of 1989, Jessica, was taken to heaven in her sleep. This was the worst day of my life. This was just another reason to hide in the bottle. I fell off the deep end. Sometime in mid-1990, my wife and I separated.

I blamed myself for awhile. I blamed God for a while. But it did not matter who or why, it was just another feeling to cover with drugs and alcohol. On January 20, 1991, I hit my lowest point. My day started at about 8am with a beer and a shot. The guy I was staying with was having a football party that day. I continued to drink, snort and smoke everything in sight. That afternoon, I got together with my wife and daughter and went to dinner (not that I could eat). I drank some more at dinner. To make a long story shorter, I was arrested that night for domestic battery. A week before, I had been arrested for a DUI. I was sentenced to one year of AA and 52 meetings of domestic violence classes. This was one of the worst days of my life, but, as it turns out, it was the best day of my life.

Needless to say, my wife and I divorced. I had lost everything: my job, my car, my home, my wife and now both of my kids. My whole world was gone.

I was sitting in jail crying and praying and promising God that, if He helped, I would change. For the first time, I admitted to God and a fellow human being (my mom) that I was a drunk and a drug addict. I told my mom it didn't matter what it took, I needed help with my problems - rehab, therapy - I didn't care.

A miracle happened to me that weekend in jail. God reached out to me and guided me back to him. He removed the compulsion to do drugs and drink. I started to go to church, AA and Anger Management classes. I was feeling good about myself, but I wasn't working the steps, and started to smoke a little weed. God had completely removed the compulsion to drink or snort coke. But Larry's will thought it would not hurt to smoke a little pot.

I had gotten close to God the first couple of years, but Larry's will took over completely. I got back together with my ex-wife and we were remarried in 1997. I thought everything was good. (I was actually heading towards the bottom again, continuing to smoke pot.) My wife said to quit or lose her again. I was repeating all my old behaviors again. I finally had enough. My therapist introduced me to someone that God put in my life for a great reason. He knows who he is. He met with me and told me his story, and our stories were very similar. I had thought I was different.

He took me to my first AA meeting (this time around) on September 8, 2003. He also told me about STEP at CVC. I thank God every day for this man. I know now that God had a plan for us. This has been the best 16 months of my life. I have accepted God to the fullest. The 12-step program has changed my life. I'm now attending my fourth STEP season, and I continue to learn things about myself and others. By working these steps, I have learned to trust, love, care and hope. I am not perfect, but, if I do these steps right, I will get closer and closer to God and His love.

Today I truly love myself, thanks to these steps and the love of God. My new life is all about caring and helping others, and I pray that my story can help at least one person to give it all to God, because without Him guiding me, I would not be here right now.

My life verse now is Galatians 2:20: "I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in the earthly body by trusting in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."